dec8 2017:

should i go to my house

there’s no reason to

i have no home

there is no such place of comfort

i have a place of survival

maybe i’ll pickup some belongings

11:21pm

no happiness for this one

dec9 1324:

head hurts

breathing is uncomfortable

air feels too thick

6:07pm

someone must die

why did i even bother to come back

there’s nothing here for me

6:30pm

someone was merciful and offered rest but my life remains unchanged and there’s more to fall

6:51pm

someone must die

9:04pm

nothing left for me

9:18pm

i don’t even feel like surviving anymore but there’s quite literally nothing to do and survival is like coping mechanism

it’s a entire existence of stress eating

it’s like a robot following its fallback recovery instructions on loop

happy but unfeeling

if i was truly logical i would’ve been dead or not even here

if i was comprised of logic and emotion living together what happens when you remove emotion

there’s no logical reason to do anything

thus no reason left for me

9:31pm

i’m gonna go drink

9:51pm

these terrible beings that spits such prophecies to tell me to bow down and thank for their sacrifice and all their toil to be so uncaring

i want to burn it to the ground

they expect us to forget their sins and abuse

my neck hurts

i can barely move

my leg hurts when i walk

i know anger without fury

maybe i should receive help

10:24pm

my hands also hurt

food don’t feel good

it just feels tired

dec10 0029:

dunno if i’ll be there for another year

7:17pm

i think this is called depression

ive walked away and left behind so much

what was the stages of grief again

i’ve been at anger or despair for years

7:25pm

or had i been been allowed to grief

dec13 0416:

ill prob lie in bed all day again and maybe ill end up with another hail mary

it really is having my faith be broken down

i don’t want it to be like this

0427:

too much hope

i go in always hoping for the best and expecting the good

i don’t know i keep holding on to this

yet it happens

despite repeated failures and defeats at its hand

0440:

i wish i can go back four years and start all over

this pain isn’t worth it

1340:

can’t sleep, mid dream, didn’t feel like my own

despite it all in a wretched world i still pray for the best

1502:

rather stay in the dream

1514:

maybe this is why i feel so empty

im literally having my self be broken down

1730:

i wish i didn’t fear death

i wish i didn’t have anything to lose

my parents tell me what will they say to my siblings if i’m gone

i wish i can show them

it’s funny actually

all this

still nothing

i’m still undiagnosed

i still don’t have any treatment

why did i ever place so much hope in them

and they still push me for grades

all this talk for nothing